Aspen's Birth Story

This will be, by far, the most important piece that I will ever write. The birth of our son, Aspen, was long-awaited and the emotions that I felt in that moment- or, heck, even in that day- cannot be put into words. However, I will do the best I can to articulate to you how this was, without a doubt, the best day of my entire life.

The weeks leading up to his birth were quite the rollercoaster! When I was 35 weeks pregnant, we learned that he was still in the breech position (head up, feet down). Babies usually start to turn to get into the birth position around 30-32 weeks, but our babe did not. We began the infamous "what are our options" conversation with our doctor and come to find out, we only had two. Option one was to try an ECV (external cephalic version) which is where they try to maneuver and flip the baby manually from outside the belly. Option 2 was to pass on the ECV and schedule a C-Section. We opted for the ECV and went in to have that done on April 7th at 8am. It was unsuccessful and we left the hospital that day knowing that we would be coming back the following week for a C-Section.

On April 9th, I went in for my scheduled weekly appointment and cervical check and come to find out- BABE FLIPPED ALL ON HIS OWN! Which was freaking amazing because after having an unsuccessful ECV, there was only a 4% chance that he would flip on his own! Quite the miracle, if you ask me. So, we cancelled the C-Section that was scheduled for the morning of April 18th and instead, scheduled for me to be induced at midnight on April 17th. This decision was highly recommended from our doctor and I didn't doubt it for a second. Since Aspen had been breech so late in my pregnancy, we didn't want to risk the chance of him flipping back or having any other issues with delivery.

The week leading up to Aspen's birth was a tangled mess of complex emotions. I'd find myself sitting in random places around the house and just thinking about what we were about to do. A web of emotions fogged my brain all week long and I couldn't quite peg how I felt- happy, nervous, anxious? Yes, yes, and yes. I felt all of the things and I spent a lot of time that week in prayer as I deep-cleaned the house. I couldn't tell what was easier- knowing or not knowing. Being induced and knowing when you're going into labor is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because we were packed and ready to go. A curse because my mind went crazy all week long as I tried to digest this giant shift we were about to experience in our life.

Finally, the day came. On Friday, April 17th, at 11:20pm we left our house and drove to the hospital. Upon entering the hospital, we were met by a crew of nurses who asked us questions and gave us hand sanitizer and face masks- yay for having a baby during a pandemic. We were sent upstairs to the Labor and Delivery unit and they took us into our delivery room.

Stepping foot into that room made it all seem real. I remember immediately thinking, "oh shhhiittt, we're about to have a BABY."They had a blue medical light in the room, which I found to be calming. I changed into my gown and the nurses began hooking up an IV and monitors for me and Aspen. After hooking me up, they asked if I was in pain. I wasn't in any pain or discomfort and when I questioned why, they told me that I was having light contractions. Well, I hadn't felt a thing so I naively thought- "oh, maybe this won't be so bad." WHAT?! Hindsight makes me want to slap myself for even thinking that.

Covid protocol meant that Alex and hospital staff were required to wear masks, but I didn't have to and THANK GOODNESS for that. Can you imagine giving birth and heavily breathing while wearing a face mask? Uhm, I think not.

The nurses gave me a medication that began to thin my cervix and we were told that our doctor would be coming to see us around 5-6am. They encouraged us to sleep while we could. I felt tired, but I was also too anxious to sleep. They checked my cervix at 12:45am and I was about 1.5cm dilated. They continued to bring me small cups of apple juice as needed and around 1am, we were able to get some rest.

Throughout those early morning hours, I was in and out of sleep. I'd softly wake up to hearing the beeps from the monitors or to see a nurse checking on things. 5am came all too quickly and the nurse came to check my cervix, I was still at 1.5cm. Overall, progression was slow and we were basically starting from ground zero. She said that my doctor ordered for me to start Pitocin and the dosage would be upped every 30-45 minutes. Pitocin, in case you are unaware, gets contractions started and when I say "started," I don't mean that they gradually increase in pain. I mean they hit you full force like a friggin' gorilla driving a jeep and they don't stop.

Well, contractions started to become more intense after they started the Pitocin. Yes, they were intense, but it was still something I was occasionally able to nap through. We got some more sleep and around 7:30am, our doctor came in.

Sidenote: I absolutely ADORED our doctor. She was the one who had to give us the hard truth of our diagnosis in 2017 and she was the one that did all of our procedures, IUIs, and now she was about to deliver our baby. Talk about special. I loved her and it was such a blessing that she was there that day because she was the doctor I needed in that moment.

She checked my cervix and I was a solid 3-3.5cm dilated, which made me excited because I really felt like we were making some progress. Heck, this baby could be here by lunch! Spoiler alert: I was wrong. She broke my water and it felt like I had literally peed the bed. All I could feel was warm water leaking out of my body and spreading into the bed where I was laying. She highly recommended to rest while I could until about 9am and then she encouraged me to get up and start walking around or bouncing on a birthing ball.

Really, my main focus was on food. I was STARVING. I mean, it had been almost 12 hours since I had last eaten and all I wanted was a bagel with cream cheese.

Unfortunately, I was strictly on a clear liquid diet and wasn't able to eat. I remember asking for a tray of whatever I could eat and they brought me broth, crushed ice, juice, and a mango ice pop. I chomped on the ice pop- the better of my options- but I couldn't even finish it. The overall discomfort I felt made me feel nauseous.

We took their advice and rested up for a little bit and just like clockwork, we got up and started moving around 9-9:30am. Contractions were coming and by now, they were becoming more intense. I felt confident as they came because I was practicing my breathing exercises and had a bag full of tricks- comfortable positions, essential oils, facial mist, scripture verses written down, etc. Not to mention, I knew that Alex had kept a notebook of tips to help me through labor. I felt like we were prepared and that we could handle whatever came our way.

I couldn't have been more wrong. By 10-10:30am, contractions were STRONG and remember the gorilla in a jeep analogy that I previously used? Yeah, insert that here. I was in the worst, most severe, pain of my entire life and it just continued to get worse and worse. We could watch on the monitor as a contraction would come and it would take everything in me to make it over that hump and to feel the slight relief between the pain. At this point, I couldn't focus on anything other than just literally making it through every contraction. I completely forgot about my bag of tricks and was in pure survival mode. I bounced on the ball and that was helpful for a little bit. I tried to sit on the toilet to open up my pelvic floor and that was actually very soothing, but in time, also became very uncomfortable. I wanted to lay down, but that wasn't an option. I had to be up and moving through the pain.

Right before noon, I hit my breaking point. I was crying and honestly, I remember being very scared. If this is how painful the contractions are, how in the world was I going to be able to deliver our son? I felt defeated and I felt weak. The contractions were more intense than I ever expected them to be. The light contractions that I felt were very similar to a rough period cramp that will land you on the couch for a day with a heating pad. Then in the next breath, I was experiencing a contraction that felt like someone was tearing apart my legs like a wishbone at Thanksgiving. I walked around our room when I could, but for the most part, I would find myself hunched over and crying through the pain.

Alex was a freaking rockstar in this moment. He was my rock and would guide me through every single wave, encouraging me nonstop. When he could sense that my energy was depleting, he grabbed his notebook and frantically searched for a technique to soothe me. One moment in particular stands out among them all. I was walking in circles, unsure of what to do or where to go, and I heard Alex say (adorably so, with his little notebook in hand), "do you want to dance?!" Honestly, I thought to myself, "No. No, I don't want to freaking dance. I want this pain to end," but I could tell that he was trying really hard to help me and I pushed myself to try something we hadn't yet tried.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my face into his chest. He held onto me and we swayed back and forth, back and forth. The instrumental bliss from my playlist played off in the distance and for a moment, everything was beautiful. I found myself softly crying, but it was no longer from the pain. Instead, I cried because of how much I loved him. How much I loved our little baby and for how badly I just wanted the pain to end so that we could meet him.

Our beautiful moment was fleeting and on came another contraction that had me buckling at the knees and bending in pain.

From there, we moved into the bathroom so that I could sit on the toilet, in search of the tiniest bit of comfort. I sat there for about a minute before the worst happened.

In one swift motion, my body did things that I didn't even know it could do. All at one time- I peed, pooped, vomited, and had a fierce contraction. WHO EVEN KNEW THAT WAS POSSIBLE?!

I felt vulnerable, exposed, humbled, weak, and utterly defeated.

"Call for the epidural." I muttered in between sobs.

Within minutes, the anesthesiologist and nurse were in the room and I was bending over the bed, ready to receive the epidural in my spine. Covid protocol meant that Alex couldn't be in the room, so he went to the Panera in the hospital and got some food.

The epidural was given to me during a contraction and I had to be very still. When it was all said and done, they called Alex back into the room and I immediately felt a million times better. My legs were numb and I could still feel the contractions, but WOW not like before. Now, they felt like small, manageable period cramps. After I was settled back in bed, my doctor came in to check my cervix. Come to find out, I was only 4cm dilated and had little to no effacement. Realizing that I had such a ways to go made me extremely thankful that I received the epidural when I did.

I saw a moment for rest and I freaking took it. I reclined the bed and I went to sleep for I don't even know how long. The afternoon hours escape me. I remember going in and out of sleep when I could and breathing through the contractions when they came.

In spurts of the afternoon when I was awake, I would beg them to bring me more mango ice pops. I didn't feel nearly as nauseous and it was the closest thing to food that I could have.

Alex was a fantastic help throughout this time. He sat right next to my bed and held my hand while I slept. When a contraction would come, he would stop what he was doing and completely focus on helping me breath through each wave.

Throughout the afternoon, our nurses came in and checked on my levels and to see if we needed anything. Every couple of hours, they would check my cervix and I just remember thinking that things were going a lot slower than I expected them to.

Around 3-4pm, our doctor came in to check my cervix, effacement, and to see if Aspen was getting into position in my pelvis. Come to find out, he was absolutely settling into position in my pelvis, but we had an issue. Ideally, we wanted him to be head down and facing my back. However, our little stinker was turned and laying on his side. Which was shocking because the odds of a baby turning to its side once in the pelvis was only 1-2%.

Since the moment Aspen was conceived, he's been keeping us on our toes and constantly going against the odds. I wouldn't be able to start pushing if he was laying sideways so our doctor recommended that we try to manually turn him. Having our doctor reach in and manually turn him was soooo freaking painful. I was thankful that she was able to do it and I'm thankful that it was an option, but having a doctor's hands in your cervix and trying to flip your baby WHILE you're having contractions is just as painful as you would expect it to be, if not more.

She got Aspen to flip into the correct position and told me to rest while I could because pushing would start really soon. By now, I was exhausted, uncomfortable, and hungry. As soon as she left, I closed my eyes and slept for as long as I could.

Around 5pm, our doctor came back for a cervical check and said it was time to start pushing! Music to my ears, let's get this baby out! Going into the pushing stage, I thought that I would push for a short period of time and he would be here. Spoiler alert: I was wrong. . . again.

They pulled out the stirrups and while I was on my back, they started showing me how to push- which, for the record, wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. It took me a few times to get the hang of it, but I eventually did. They said that when a contraction would come, I would breath in, push out through my butt as if I were pooping, count to ten, exhale, and then do it again two more times during the contraction. Weird, right?

I pushed for about 30-45 minutes and it just didn't feel right. I wasn't in the right mindset and I wasn't feeling strong, instead I felt defeated and all of my energy depleted. I really struggled through the first few pushes and I think everyone in the room could sense it. I started asking them to encourage me and asking if they thought this was something I was actually able to do, because at that point, I was honestly questioning if I was able to do it. Could I actually give birth?

My doctor recommended that we take a break. She wanted me to reserve all the energy that I could and rest up while I still had one last chance to do so. Everyone left the room and it was just Alex and I. I nestled back into bed and started to cry. Feeling defeated and weak in that moment was frustrating. Knowing that we had to take a break because I wasn't mentally in the right place was frustrating. And I became even more frustrated as I remembered earlier that morning when I seriously struggled with contractions.

Honestly, I thought that I was better prepared for labor. Yet, in the moment, I felt like the contractions were hitting me wave after wave after wave and I wasn't able to catch my breath. I feel like the pain of the whole experience was sucking me in and I was never able to get ahead of it enough to fight through.

Weak and defeated. That's about where I was. And it was the most frustrating and humbling part of my whole labor.

I fell asleep thinking about all of this, knowing that they would be back soon to start the next phase of pushing.

When I woke up, I felt different. I felt more open-minded and more willing to try whatever it took to get Aspen earthside. I had been sleeping on my right side and it was so incredibly comfortable. I asked if I was allowed to push while laying on my side and turns out, the nurse said yes. Immediately, I felt more capable. Knowing that I had options and the opportunity to try something that I wanted made me feel empowered and strong.

We pulled the stirrups back out and the nurse walked me through how to push once more. When a contraction came, I started looking for my focal point. Finding something, anything, in the room to focus on would help me channel my pain. As I breathed in, I would focus on one of the windows in our room and as I pushed and they counted to ten, I would focus on the medical plus sign button on the side of my hospital bed- which ironically enough, is the same shape as the cross.

I continued to push while laying on my right side and it felt soooo good to push and relieve pressure. I switched sides every 30 minutes or so to hopefully keep things moving along. Alex had my playlist playing and I continued to focus on my points through every contraction. I could see the clock on the wall and I continued to watch as the time went on and on and on.

Around 6-6:30pm, our doctor checked on everything and estimated that I had about another hour of pushing. It felt nice to feel like there was an end in sight and I continued to watch the clock through every contraction, counting down the minutes until we would meet our boy. The nurse stayed with us and continued to help me push and switch sides when I needed to.

Our doctor came back after an hour had passed and I told her that I was keeping her to that estimate! "Where are we at?!" I asked anxiously. Well, things were progressing, but they were progressing SLOWLY. She recommended that I lay on my back and try pushing from that position. It's not that I was against doing that, it was just more comfortable to push from my side. She explained that I showed a lot more progress in between pushes when I was on my back so I took her word for it and moved to my back.

I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed.

And the doctor and the nurse kept saying, "You're getting close!"

When the head was visible, our doctor called Alex to come around and look. His face, although covered by a mask- thanks Covid, lit up with joy. He could see the beginnings of our son! He immediately turned to me and said, "You really are getting close."

For another hour or so, I continued to push and they all continued to say that I was getting close. At first, it was very comforting and encouraging. But after awhile, with little progress, it became more limiting than anything. Like, yes, you say I'm getting close, but where is this baby!?

Around 8pm, I became very quiet and started to focus on the song that played during every contraction. Alex, the nurse, and the doctor, were all having a conversation and even though they were right next to me, their voices felt a million miles away. I continued to push and they continued to say that I was getting closer and closer, but still no baby.

At 8:15pm, I finally asked where we were at. We had been in this stage for awhile and I honestly didn't feel like I was able to keep this up for another couple of hours. Basically, what are our options and what are we going to do from here? She admitted that labor and progression wasn't going as quickly as she would have liked and we began talking about our options.

She said that we could either continue pushing until he came out or we could start talking about using a vacuum to assist in getting him out. We asked about the pros and cons of using a vacuum, but it seemed to be more helpful than anything. The vacuum would attach to Aspen's head and while I pushed, they would use the vacuum to pull. If the vacuum slipped off his head more than three times, it would show that he was not coming out vaginally and we would need to do an emergency c-section right away.

Poor thing, he had been in the birth canal for so long and I was so incredibly ready to meet him, the thought of continuing to push for hours scared me and I didn't want to increase the chance of anything happening to him. I asked if I could push for ten more minutes to think about it and then decide from there.

That ten minutes went by quickly and when it was all said and done, I knew what we needed to do. I couldn't allow something to happen to him. And with there being even the slightest chance that he wasn't going to come out vaginally, I figured we needed to know that sooner than later. So I said, "Let's do the vacuum!"

Within minutes, a whole team of doctors and nurses flooded our room to prepare for our baby to enter the world. I prayed harder in those next few minutes than I ever had before. Hoping and praying that Aspen would come out vaginally and that we didn't have to rush to a c-section. I prayed over and over for peace and protection over our baby, just wanting everything to go well.

When everything was set up and everyone was ready, they attached the vacuum to his head. The vacuum was a small suction cup and I half expected to hearing the roar of a Dyson, but we didn't. My doctor told me to get ready to push and this time, it wasn't hard.

Two contractions and three pushes later, my doctor exclaimed, "Stephanie, LOOK!" and immediately upon looking up, I saw as they pulled our cheesy little baby from my body.

At 8:58pm, Aspen was born. He weighed 7 pounds and 7 ounces. The number of completion. Alex watched as he came out and as soon as he was fully out, he looked at me with a tear stained face mask, smiling from ear to ear.

I locked my eyes on Aspen and instantly knew that everything we had been through was worth it. The years of infertility, the waiting, the pain. . . all of it was worth it for him. For this moment right here. And asked if I would do it all again, I'd say absolutely.

They handed him to me right away and I was speechless. I didn't know what to say, what to do, or what to think. I was so totally overwhelmed by the immense amount of love that I felt for this little baby- our son. I held him and looked at him and told him over and over and over again how much I loved him and how I was so thankful for him.

His cry was the most precious sound and I loved watching as he adjusted to this new life of being outside the womb. He opened his right eye and began to blink, then he opened his left eye and soon he was simultaneously blinking and crying and wiggling. It was official- he was here and we were parents to the most perfect baby.

I held him as they continued to clean me up. I had a two degree tear and they began sewing me up. I wasn't phased by the rest of the hustle and bustle that was taking place with the other 10-15 people in the room. They scurried around the delivery room doing all of the things they needed to do and honestly, I wasn't phased one bit. Our baby was here, in my arms, and I wasn't going to take my eyes off of him for one second.

Alex got to cut the umbilical cord and he got it snipped with one single cut. He was crying, I was crying, and Aspen was crying here and there, trying to clear out his lungs.

About 30 or so minutes after he was born, everyone was done and leaving the room and eventually, it was just us- the three of us. Our new little family. We held Aspen and looked at him, all of his little details. All of his sounds. All of his beauty. All of God's glory and beauty displayed here in this precious miracle.

We stayed in our delivery room for about an hour after Aspen was born so that they could safely monitor me and make sure that I was starting to recover well.

We stared at Aspen non-stop until it was time to be moved to our "mommy and me" room upstairs. When it was almost time to go, we started talking about our options for food. I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours and now, I was RAVENOUS! Thankfully, the hospital had a 24-hour Panera Bread in the lobby and Alex was able to order some food for us on the way to our next room.

Finally, it was time to go! The nurse helped me out of bed because my legs were still numb from the epidural. She got me positioned into a wheelchair and I held Aspen as Alex got our bags so we could move. I was so lightheaded and loopy, yet blissfully happy. I was living on cloud nine and as we walked through the halls to our new room, we got endless praise and congratulations.

We got to our final room where we would stay for the next few days and once we got adjusted, I inhaled my turkey sandwich and macaroni. THE BEST MEAL OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. We probably should've gone to bed right away, but I'm telling you- when you're finally holding the little babe that you have been waiting on for so long, there is no putting him down.

Aspen's birth changed me. It changed me in all of the best ways possible and every time I re-live that day, I am overwhelmed by grace and pure happiness. His birth challenged me in every way imaginable- physically, mentally, emotionally. I was pushed beyond all of my limits and found that I am much stronger than I ever could've imagined.

Giving birth made me feel strong, empowered, and it really helped me to trust God in a whole new way. And immediately locking eyes on our baby, I began to understand the never-ending love and compassion that God feels for us every single day.

Aspen has flipped our whole world and he truly makes every day better, just by being him. I love being able to wake up and see his sweet face, knowing that he is ours. Alex and I are smitten (to say the least) and I can't believe that we get to spend the rest of our lives being his parents and loving him endlessly. We are so incredibly blessed and we look forward to spending every new day learning about him.

Thank you, Jesus, for choosing us!

SB

*2025 edit: He's about to be five and in honor of his birthday, I'm sharing his birth story on my blog! Reading back through his birth story, I am trying to hold space for the woman I was when I gave birth and when this was originally written. It's no secret that his birth didn't go the way I thought it would and there are so many things I wish I could have done differently, but the truth is- you do what you can with the knowledge that you have at the time. Although my second birth with Graham was wildly different and I have a different view and perspective on birth now, I would never discount or shame myself for the choices I made during this experience.

I love hearing birth stories from other mamas and it's an honor to share mine. I hope that parts of this story resonate with you and above all else, I hope you hear and understand how truly complex birth can be. I had no idea what I was stepping into and even now, I look back and feel nothing but immense joy as I read about the day that I became a mom.

Being his mom is the best and most incredible honor of my entire life! The last five years have been so much fun and watching his personality evolve has been the coolest thing. Thank you for being here today to help us celebrate another big milestone in our family journey. All glory to God, please leave here knowing that He loves you abundantly more than you could ever imagine.*