Messy Motherhood 05: Code Words in Marriage and Parenting

Missions a Go!

Before Stephanie and Alex got married, they did marriage counseling with an older couple in their church. They would go over to their house and talk about different topics, ask questions, and this gave them a really great opportunity to grow and learn about marriage. One of the many takeaways that Stephanie and Alex took away from these conversations was code words, and how they apply to marriage. Now, ten years later, they are still using these code words within their marriage and Stephanie is even starting to use these with her oldest son, Aspen. 

What is a Code Word?

A code word is a special or unique phrase that you use in a certain situation to send a signal to your spouse. Whether you’re in a crowded room or it’s just the two of you and you’re having a conversation, a code word is a really quick and easy way to signal to your spouse without coming right out and saying whatever you’re trying to say. 

Why Are They Important?

Communication is really important and sometimes it can get messy with marriage. The biggest piece of advice that Stephanie and Alex received when they got married is to have solid communication, but the thing is, is that the way you communicate changes through different seasons of life. There are seasons of really good communication and there are seasons of not good communication, but the biggest and best thing is that you’re constantly learning and growing and finding new ways to communicate with each other. For Stephanie and Alex, code words have been a constant whenever they communicate with each other. It’s been helpful to keep that level of consistency and understanding because you have these code words and you both know what they mean. 

Having a set of agreed upon code words can help de-escalate a situation or help your spouse to better understand how you’re feeling by using minimal words. The most important part of having a code word is making sure that you and your spouse both understand the meaning behind the code word. 

Example of Code Word Situation

Sometimes you don’t want to go into detail on how you’re feeling and these code words can be super helpful to help you find a word that explains how you’re feeling. For example, if you had a hard day and are needing some space, you could say “Planet” – as in give me my own space. If Alex had a long day at work and just wants a few minutes to decompress when he gets home, he may text Stephanie “Planet” and that would give Stephanie a heads up on how he's feeling. Then, she can make sure that she and the boys are doing something else or are preoccupied when Alex gets home from work so that he can step away and have a few moments to himself. 

This only works if you both have a good understanding of what the code word means. If you’re using a phrase to send a signal and they don’t understand what that means, then it’s not going to function the same. If you use it and they don’t know what you’re saying, it’s probably going to lead to feelings of frustration because your spouse isn’t responding the way you want them to. This is a great way to communicate to your spouse without calling them out, without making it a bigger deal, without making anyone feel uncomfortable, or without needing to have a full-blown conversation. It sends a signal to help your spouse know exactly what you’re feeling and it can be done in front of your kids, or a room full of people, because it’s a secret language that only you two (or you and your family) know. 

Code Words To Use

“I’m not getting on your crazy train” – This is a phrase that came from the couple that did Stephanie and Alex’s premarital counseling. This is used to say “hey, I feel like this is kind of getting out of hand.” A time that this can be used is if someone is getting prematurely upset over something small and insignificant. While this phrase can sound harsh to some, it’s a phrase that takes Stephanie and Alex back to where code words all started for them and it has a special meaning for them. If this feels harsh to you, you don’t have to use this one.This one is also typiclaly only used inside their home.

“Onion” – This code word is used when you’re having a conversation and one spouse feels like the other spouse isn’t being vulnerable enough or is keeping the conversation at a surface level. It signals that you’re looking to have a deeper conversation or take the conversation to the next steps without one person feeling frustrated. This code word originated from the action of peeing onions and peeling back the layers of our heart in order to grow closer to one another. 

“Important Over Urgent (IOU)” – This phrase is used when one of you has caught up on doing the urgent thing instead of doing an important thing. For example, when you’re finished eatting dinner, instead of getting up to start doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, spend an extra ten more minutes or so while the kids are finishing eatting to engage with their conversation and presence. Housework can feel really urgent, but the important thing is spending the time with the kids.This phrase has been huge for Stephanie and Alex and helped them focus on the things they should do versus the things that they feel like they have to do. 

“Spice” – This code word is more in the terms of “spicy language”. If one is starting to get sassy or rude or disrespectful with their tone, this is a great code word to use. To use this one, you want to say the word “spice” gently, and this signals to the other person that they need to kind of check their tone because the way they are speaking is kind of spicy and getting heated. This code word is even being used with Stephanie’s oldest son Aspen, who is now five. They have walked him through what it means and he’s starting to pick up on it and understand it.

These code word examples are Stephanie and Alex’s personal code words and if you connect with them then feel free to use them yourself! If you don’t feel like these examples would work for your relationship, don’t feel like you have to use them. Create your own code words from inside jokes, things that happened in your relationship, or other words that have meaning to you. Personalize your code words because it’s your own secret language and it’s really fun.

Initiating Your Code Words

If you’re sending a code word to your spouse, send it gently. For example, if Alex was using a harsh tone and Stephanie snaps back aggressively and says “spice”, then it completely ruins the point of the code word. Now, her tone is harsh and the conversation will only continue to escalate from there. You don’t want to send a code word from a space of pride, superiority, judgement or being harsh. You want to come from a calm, loving, neutral space to neutralize the entire thing or approach the conversation with a calm and peaceful heart.

If you’re sending a code word in a room full of people, this may look like gently putting your hand on your spouse’s shoulder and saying it softly– so that it’s only something that the two of you can hear and share together. If texting works for you and your spouse, you can also send them a text with your code word. The point is to build your relationship up and best use your communication in a way that you’re sending signals with love, compassion, and grace. 

Receiving Your Code Words

It can be really hard being the person to receive a code word. No one likes to be called out or feel like their behavior needs a shift, but when you don’t receive a code word with humility and understanding, it will only make your spouse feel like they can’t use code words anymore out of fear of how you’re going to respond. If the code word isn’t serving its purpose, then you won’t see the fruit from it, and then you will stop using it. Sometimes this means that you take a deep breath, count to five, or take a step away from the conversation before continuing forward but this is loving encouragement to try and receive your code words well and respond to the code word the way that you would want your spouse to respond to you.

Using Code Words With Kids

As previously mentioned, Stephanie uses the code word “spice” with her son, Aspen, and it’s been really helpful. Communication with kids is really important too and whenever you’re out at a playdate or having family over, having a code word creates a special bond with you and your kid. It also creates an element of fun for them as well! Aspen is starting to get to the age when he’s starting to say things with a harsh tone and he says things he doesn’t mean when he’s angry. Stephanie had a conversation with Aspen after he was really angry one time and told him that they needed to figure out a way that she can talk to him in these moments to help him understand that what he’s saying is not nice. She asked him for a word or a phrase that when Stephanie says it to him, it will help him feel like he can calm down or help him feel like he needs to change his tone. Aspen came up with the phrase “talk about it.” So now, when Stephanie can tell that Aspen’s getting really heated or when he’s making negative choices, she can look at him and say “Aspen, let’s talk about it.” and that will send him a signal to calm down. Sometimes it doesn’t work at all, but trying to have consistency with your kids and even your spouse, is key. 

Small disclaimer: make sure your child is old enough to understand code words. Aspen is five and he’s starting to understand it. Graham, Stephanie’s younger son, is three and she would not use this with him yet. Make sure your kids have a pretty solid understanding of what it is and that they are at an age appropriate level. 

This Week’s Takeaway / Goal

Come up with a code word that works for you and your spouse, and maybe even a code word that works for you and your kids! Wherever you’re ready to start, try to come up with a code word that works for you and make sure that all parties involved agree on it and have a clear understanding of what it means. Then start incorporating it into your daily life! Start with just one code word and see how it goes! You’re going to love this new fun and secret family language you get to create! Be sure to send Stephanie a message on Instagram and share your experience with code words! She would love to hear the fun code words you come up with! 

Keywords:

Code Words, Communication, Marriage, Parenting, Family, Connection, Emotional Awareness, Relationships, Quality Time, Respect, Understanding, Personalized, Secret Language, Children, Bond, Positive Impact, Consistency, Routine, Stronger Bond